Two Steps Forward

Two steps forward, and hopefully, this time there will be NO steps back!!!!!!!!!!!

Why, well I have made POSITIVE progress!!! YEH for me (happy face included)!!!!!

I am now a volunteer for a NGO here in Madrid, and I am feeling mightily proud of myself!!!!!! Today was my first day, and I have been busy completing some research for them; which is a task I love doing.

At the moment I am not ready to relate all the gory details of what I am exactly doing, not yet anyway. It is after all early days. Needless to say I have begun positively, and hope to remain that way too; fingers and toes crossed please!!

Since discovering the volunteer options available here in Madrid, I have noticed there has been a subtle change within myself. This little new spark of, positivity perhaps, has made everything seem a little ‘rosier’. OK, the change isn’t so dramatic that I could take on the world, and conquer it single handedly; BUT, I feel I am moving forwards instead of stagnating in that rotten rut. I have, I think and HOPE, taken a sledge hammer to that rut and demolished it!!! Hehe!!

For the next few days though, I will be away. We have booked a short holiday to Valencia, which we are looking forward to!!!

Upon my return, I look forward to recommencing my progress through this exciting new chapter of possibilities in my life!! I also have ‘Madrid Meet Up’ groups to attend, which should be interesting!!!!!!!! Who knows what new wonders will await 🙂

ONE LAST THING – I just want to THANK everyone who has been so kind in providing me with support during my ‘ranting and raving’ and negative moments. I have appreciated each and everyone of your kind wishes, advice and comments left as response to my posts. You are all truly wonderful, and kind people, who I feel privileged to have bumped into within the WordPress blogshere!!!

THANKS TO YOU ALL, and have a wonderful weekend!!!

If You Tolerate This………..

And THIS is a product of a healthy society?? Yeah, right!

……….Where-in the HELL will it end??????!!!!!!!!

The issue of these disgusting Facebook pages makes me sick to my stomach. Where is the debate here at all?? It is simple for me; REMOVE ALL THE ABUSIVE AND SICK PAGES, and REMOVE THEM NOW!!!!

Rape, abuse and God knows what else – what part does any of that play in social networking? I mean what a conversation starter between long lost friends; “Hey great to speak to you again Steve, yeah, I’m an Engineer now, I drive a BMW and oh, yeah, did I mention I’m a wife beater and rapist – soon to be a Daddy too”. SICK, SICK, SICK; and another word, debauched.

What a twisted world we live in, and what low life scum inhabit it. Times like these make me ashamed to call myself a human being.

The men responsible for such things are surely on some ‘Most Wanted Psycho Killer’ list somewhere or another, if not, they will be.

There is nothing amusing about this sick content, and nothing which should be classed as anyone’s right to express. This is not liberating and progressive, but harmful and debase. In a civil society there is no room for such cruel, moronic and misogynist attitudes.

Ban abusive Facebook pages NOW!!!!! Stop quibbling over T&C’s and everything else; what is more important here, people and their lives or bloody paperless contracts for internet jibber jabber.

Facebook PLEASE get your priorities right once and for all!

What Is Hope?

Hope, the best weapon against life.

I had a rather disconcerting conversation with my friend yesterday, which all began because I asked the question; “What makes me unusual?”

Somehow the topic shifted. Soon we, I.E my friend and I  begun discussing my desire to pursue a career, and the reason why I insist upon believing in a dream job (term applied loosely; this represents a job I truly enjoy, and feel good about doing).

My friend told me; “Dream jobs don’t exist! Plus, they are immaterial because everyone only works for the money”.

I then tried to explain my take on the dream job; “I need to feel I am achieving something and also progressing. My work life cannot be static; it has to move forwards and not backwards. I need to feel I am respected, appreciated and have responsibility in a job. I want to be treated like an intelligent individual and not an idiot. I need to have a say in my working life to prevent me becoming thoroughly miserable”.

This explanation was also frowned upon.

Yet, is wanting those things from a job completely farcical?

I then asked my friend to consider how much she had actually progressed. She now has a better position with more respect and authority given to her. I told her that she may still not be ecstatic, and may still wish to be living a leisurely life with endless funds at her disposal; but compared to how it had been for her, she now had a better life (thanks to her better job, which suits her).

All I ask is similar – to be respected and appreciated. I wouldn’t want to be an employee who is bullied, used and abused. I want to feel I am worthy and being valued in a company. I want to feel invested in. If I have to work for a living I want to be as happy as I can be doing what pays me.

I told my friend; “You are turning what I want into a negative, as though I am a dreamer. I need to believe I can find something which suits me, and will enhance me” (admittedly I am never happy anywhere for long).

My friend replied; “It would be great if dream jobs existed, but they don’t so don’t dwell on them”.

Really, and why not? Why can’t a person have more than they currently have? Why can’t they look at attaining elements of a dream job if it makes them happy or if they feel there is more hope from doing so.

I know my friend has abandoned her ideas of a dream job; thinking they will never come to fruition. Perhaps also she has abandoned her hope to achieve more in her life. This thought saddens me, and she knows it does. I cannot understand why she insists on being resigned to the fact things won’t change.

True enough; we can’t all conquer or  change the world, but we ourselves can change. We do grown, develop, learn and progress – even within a job and this helps us attract more in our lives. If people reflect upon their lives they would be shocked how far they have come, but haven’t even realised. No one should give up without trying to achieve more, as that is what life is; experience and progression from one thing to the next.

 

I think my friend, like many other people feel it is practical to dismiss hope. Just by stating you have achieved all you think is possible at any age is depressing; life isn’t over until its over – so keep going! If I thought there was nothing more I would crack! I have always clung onto hope. I may have fleetingly considered things might not get better or things may not change, yet, not for long. I have never clung to the notion that there is nothing more for me to achieve in this life.

I actually wonder whether losing hope means you die – not physically, but internally? What is hope if not truly delusion, and yet without it, who are we and what is our life?

Without hope life is a reality stripped bare and basic; bills, work, money, worry, aliments, ageing, disappointments, lack of motivation, no goals in life. We would all then lose faith in ourselves and our lives – what would it all be like if we didn’t hope there would be more?

Hope, it is all we have for free, and without it life is damn grim. I know I prefer to live with hope than without it. How about you?

**Above insert by: www.microkosmic.com***

This Is Frustrating

I found a great little job site for applying for work here in Madrid, yet, the application process SUCKS!!!

I can’t upload my own CV, which far surpasses the useless and limited electronic version the site has for every candidate to use. It is OK if every candidate is Spanish, but I am not, and the jobs being advertised on the site aren’t all for Spanish speakers or Spanish companies!!!

The CV on the site didn’t even have the ‘pull down’ option on there for MY degree, what the Hell!!! It couldn’t get my age correct either!! It also required either NIE (certificate of residency) or passport number – which is highly confidential information to part with, and leave lying around on an online job site, which could be hacked any time, and my complete identity then stolen!! In the UK such personal identification would NEVER be required until the interview stage or, until an actual job offer has been made.

The site also required me to input a Spanish telephone number, which I haven’t got. I don’t want one either!!!! I didn’t see the need to transfer my contract over to a Spanish contract, especially as mobile contracts are expensive here. I use texts more than calls, here, Spanish people use calls more than texts – who the Hell am I gonna call and chat to?? I don’t have an endless contact list!!!

The other down side – everything on the site’s CV was in Spanish. Yet, the jobs I wanted to apply for are not advertised in Spanish, are not for Spanish speakers, but Native English speakers. Therefore, as a non-fluent Spanish speaker – the whole site was a tad frustrating to navigate – and most of it wasn’t applicable to me!!!!

It was a classic catch 22. I need to be in a Spanish working environment to learn more Spanish, and yet getting a job to help me do that – is a nightmare! So, I rely on applying for English speaking only positions to help me get somewhere; but this is no better, as the application process is in Spanish!

Barriers, and then some!!!!!

The etiquette for interviews, and for meting people in a business capacity is completely wrong too! There is no follow up, the only option is; come at this time, this date, to this venue – there is NO, can you make this? Is this OK for you? Let us confirm this 100%. There is NO response to confirm or responses to answer questions – its just – this, that and nothing more. If that is no good for you, well, tough – and DON’T contact us again! How is that conducive for business or organisations to run?? Why can’t they clarify what is required?? Why can’t they communicate and decide what is best for all parties concerned?? How does anything ever get done if there is no negotiation and communication, just orders?!

As a candidate or enquirer about volunteering, info on jobs, organising meetings and so on, you have to do all the chasing too. Without two way communication you are often left hanging with no real answers, clarification or a way to progress. Basically, it is a one time only offer; unless you comply to what they want, when they want it and how they want it, you as a candidate or enquirer are up the creak without a paddle.

No wonder so many people here in Spain are unemployed!!!!!!!

I am at least, seemingly, making headway with volunteering. I am trying once more to arrange a meeting to discuss what I can do, and they can do – and so on and so on. Fingers crossed this will all be done and dusted by next week!!!!! Fingers crossed!!!!

Volunteering To Progress

I am feeling quietly pleased with myself today.

It has taken some time, but I’ve managed to discover some volunteering programmes with opportunities available here in Madrid!!

On first inspection, volunteering options here did seem quite limited; signposting for such things on the internet was not great! Yet, with ample research done, there are a few good groups with lots of links to lots of projects.  I have begun the ball rolling, and am quite excited about hopefully becoming involved with as much of this good work as possible!!!

I had a determined streak in me today – a little ‘this will work’ voice; perhaps it is because it is my Birthday tomorrow?? Surely the rule has to be that there has to be some good luck attached to that, right????

Anyway, I have had a prompt reply from one volunteer group who wanted to meet me ASAP!!! Also, a chance of an interview for teaching English (although, this is where the luck falters – the interviews, and eventual job offers are no where near Madrid, and that is no good for me).

More news, yes there is more!!! I have also joined some social groups – Madrid meet up groups. I was reluctant to do this initially, as I am not the type of person who likes organised social groups (reminds me of Girl Guides – and I was NEVER a Girl Guide)!!!

Yet, if I am honest, and I feel I ought to be honest; I also have noticed I am feeling a tad fearful of meeting people in group situations. This makes me shout, WHAT THE HELL; this would never have been the case back in the UK. For me it is a clear sign that my confidence must have taken a dint somewhere along the line. Anyway, I feel I need to try to make more of an effort to meet new people here in Madrid – to be out of my comfort zone if I have to too.

All I hope is that when the time arrives to meet with these new groups, I don’t make a lame excuse not to go. It is important for me to at least try and cast my networking net further afield!! I suppose I just wait and see how it goes; if it goes anywhere at all!!!!

I think my main hurdle now is keeping positive. I have tried applying for things here in Madrid previously, and joining in new social groups too, yet, regardless of my best effort, nothing has come to fruition. SO, I am hoping THIS TIME, it will be MY TIME TO SHINE.

Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Turn Over A New Leaf

Since my last post ‘A Helping Hand’, I have been trying to reconsider my position or imposition.

I do not propose to dwell upon what I wrote, although I realise it will take time to change what I feel I might be missing within myself or my life. Yet, at the moment I am looking at reassessing myself. I am on a mission of self discovery – I want to relocate exactly what I am all about as a person, to try and redefine me. Since I last checked – I have changed, just as my situation has. This is something I have to accept, come to terms with, work with and not run away from.

So, I took on some advice from those bloggers who responded to my last post (BY THE WAY – THANK YOU!!). I have obtained a copy of ‘What Colour Is Your Parachute’ – which is helping to push me into quantifying myself, to ask myself questions I might be a little afraid of.

I am looking into what ‘meet up’ groups are out there in Madrid for me to get together with people who might be of interest.

Once again I am looking at volunteering positions, and perhaps taking on whatever part time jobs might be available.

I cannot say for certain if any of these things will bring me what I look for or indeed even come to fruition; yet, I will try.

What I do believe is that where I am now, is where I wanted to be. I have gotten exactly what I required, and also, what I needed. I shouldn’t therefore see this as a wasted opportunity – it is a gift of time out from things that injured me. When I am ready to re-engage with whatever I lost or left behind or I buried inside – I will, and not one moment before. I can’t force myself to do, be, or become anything until I am ready, until the time is right. So, I accept what is, I will try to progress and find a direction, BUT, I propose to just enjoy what I have, as that is all there is.

Thank you, sincerely, to the bloggers who responded and provided advice and expressed concern.

I appreciate your input and all you shared with me.

THANK YOU!!!!!!

A Helping Hand

Recently I have been speaking to people about what is takes to help them help themselves through certain situations, which are impacting upon their lives and well-being.

This is a personal issue really, one that involves not just other people, but also myself. I have realised, for some time actually, that this notion of ‘helping yourself’, is something of a hurdle for me at the moment too.

Now I know I am really good at lending helping hands to other people, it had been part and parcel of my many job descriptions over the years, and I did it without question. Providing advice, options, sign posting, information, listening and even comforting others; yet, helping myself to progress, to move on, to find direction, right now I seem unable to, I am beginning to fail myself.

We all find there are times when we have lost ourselves, some control and direction. How do we regain focus and find what we have misplaced????? Is it a case of actions speaking louder than words, or is it that once we find ourselves stuck – we remain so???

Do we all need a helping hand, a sign to show us the way sometimes?? Or is all that help and direction laying dormant within us, and waiting for us to actually see and hear it – rather than insisting upon searching beyond ourselves for answers???

Taking some time out to do what you want, or to think about what it is you want from your life – has to be a good thing, we all need time out. Time out can help us to regain our life’s compass settings. Time out takes you out of you, and the situation you find yourself in – it can help us to see things clearer – to then perhaps progress.

I think thinking is great, but doing something is too. Yet, how do you know what to do and when to do it – how can we know how if we are lost??? Is it just finding a reason to want to do something, and begin the ball rolling, which will help us to then move on and find what is missing in us and our lives? Can we then escape the pit that our lives have fallen into??

What if you don’t want to help yourself though, or more poignantly, can’t help yourself – how can you then progress and move on???

If there is help available for you to help yourself then take it! Yet, help isn’t always there – so what do you do then??

If you don’t know your direction in life; I empathise, as neither do I!!! Nothing I do or think changes this either – it seems complex, unless I am over thinking it all!!!!!!

I am stuck with uncertainties regarding my future, just as anyone could be. Only difference is I know about it in advance, and others might not have this insight so early on. Can I change anything about what might happen to me, well, I have tried.  Have I tried hard enough though, no not really – I have been lazy too long a time.

I now find myself wondering if I have the ability to take back my life and direction. So, what happens – depends on IF
I want to help myself or whether I just continue to sit back, and let MY life slide out of view (well, eventually, perhaps).

Sorry to be angst ridden and depressive, no one likes negative moaners right? Yet, sometimes, I feel like airing my laundry publicly and admitting – I have issues too!!!!! I am stuck, lost and confounded. I require a sign post, a helping hand. I don’t have all the answers I might need. I don’t have all the strength I might need to find my way either.

I admit that, so what??? Turn your back and think pathetic fool? Or, just maybe you get what I feel, and can lend that helping hand as I know I have, and would time and time again.

Yet, you are not me……………….

…………………………………………..and I am not you.

Sucking You Dry

This little thought occurred me to last night, when, as usual I couldn’t sleep!!! Strange how the strange finds me in the very small hours, and just won’t let go of my mind………ummmm.

Anyway, I reflected back upon studying Psychology at college. I recalled reading certain research, which had been conducted into the psychological benefits of relationships. The results of the research discovered that women DO NOT benefit psychologically from being in marriages or long term relationships. Men however, do benefit, and quite significantly.

I found this to be a ‘revelation’ at the time. I remember thinking of everyone I knew who was married, and actually found immediate logic in the findings of this research. Women, or the women I knew – who were Mothers of my friends and relations I had, well, they weren’t too pleased being married. It had been a pretty tough time for them throughout the years; so, discovering women don’t necessarily get much out of a relationship, well, it made sense to me.

So, to condense these research findings, it seems that men tend to suck the life out of women. They use them as tools to enrich their own life and well being, but while the women sacrifice, the men just use the free support base to flourish. Men, men alone are more prone to psychological disorders – depression, isolation,  paranoia, unsociability, instability and even suicide. Women alone, are not prone to such things – they seem to, according to the research, soar like a bird, and a free bird at that.

Men alone can’t cope, women alone cope very well – better than if they are in relationships with the burden of a man in tow. Facetious, feminist, wrong – maybe, but then, let us ask women to be truthful enough to admit that the men in their lives can be cumbersome, and often draining, and enough to often devour the very patience of a Saint.

What do you think; I am asking the women here?????? Is this research true?????

Well, consider this; men don’t often just leave a relationship to be on their own. From what I have seen, they tend to stack up their next ‘victim’ or victims, before they jump ship. What does that say – men don’t like being alone or maybe they are serial monogamists?? Hey wait a minute here – men and faithful – don’t men cheat more often than women in relationships; OR, are men merely caught out cheating more often than woman are?

Either way if men do prefer to peruse their options, why do they need to be in a relationship to be psychologically stable?? Men, what do you think about these psychological research findings – true or hogwash?????? Do you need a relationship????

If this is true and men do get more out of relationships, why then are they so called biologically hard wired to stray like a cat?? Shouldn’t it be women on the prowl, not men, as women don’t need one man, they don’t need a relationship as they get nothing out of it. Women don’t get the same psychological stability, and nutrition as men do from relationships. Women get the depression and suicidal thoughts instead.

Why then would women enter into a relationship if they don’t want to commit suicide any time soon???? Well, WHY?????

What are the answers???? Maybe there are none!

OK, by the way YES I am in a relationship; oh wait, did you ask how my psychological state is??? Well, what do you think???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who Is Pulling The Strings?

I hate it when I’m in the moment, and giving it all full throttle about how I feel, think, fear or whatever else – assuming, wrongly, that I am engaged in a conversation with the person opposite from me; when suddenly they decide to cut me dead, and leave me hanging!!!

They are quite content to dismiss my words with a pointless, and patronising interjection – what the Hell!!! Its like having something thrown at your head that was completely unexpected, a fly in your very nice soup, tripping over as you enter a store full of people – it is a horrible feeling!

These annoying people ALWAYS ASSUME they know exactly what I mean, think, feel or want and blatantly, THEY DON’T!!! How can they if they don’t listen!! What happened exactly?? Did this person possess me while I was sleeping, taking over my inner workings without me becoming aware? Yeah right!

In other words, let me perhaps misinterpret what they feel, think, mean and want for a change, so they know how annoying it is; they basically know better than me, therefore they don’t need to listen to me as what I have to say is as pointless as pickles on toast!

By being flippant about what I am trying to convey, regardless of the subject matter under discussion, patronising interjections make my words less significant. My words, feelings, thoughts, ideas, wants, opinions et al are belittled and yes, dismissed. These ‘Boss Hogs’ have seized the power in the ‘conversation’ – yet, what can anyone gain from a one sided conversation? They mustn’t get far in life must they.

Regardless of my emphatic protests against their continued assumptions, they continue to raise their barriers with the ‘I don’t care’ attitude, ‘I am always right and know everything’.

I just want to scream; ‘who made you the puppet master’? ‘Who the Hell are you to be nominated as judge and jury’? ‘Listen and perhaps you’ll then know’! ‘Quit jumping the gun and assuming things, as that really makes YOU appear to be a  bombastic, self obsessed ASS’!

Don’t take me and my feelings, needs, words and wants for granted please!!!!!!! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I MEAN, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT – so quit telling me YOU do!!!