So, waiting for my flight back to the UK to be confirmed, I am left cooling my heels and feeling the angst of the mini catastrophe awaiting me there, build about me like a dark shadow.
I truly am angry and upset. I am shocked and looking for revenge – yes, revenge!!!!!!!
After posting ‘M’ Is For The Many Ways I’d Maim ‘Her’ , and re-reading what I have stated there, I could laugh!!
“Rise to the bait and it is you who are maimed” said I, even though I knew I would always respond so angrily; even if someone had crossed me half as much as they have this time!! At this moment I really couldn’t give a damn if I burn in Hell for feeling so angry or so full of malice. I mean at the moment I feel I am in Hell, so why not consider the many ways I could maim those people who have hurt me. They deserve it for what they have done; how they rip people’s lives apart in one moment, and don’t care.
Basically, if I could grab the very fabric of the ethereal world that surrounds me, and use this as a weapon to wrap around those people, I would try to suffocate them, I would!!!
I really have seen this as a final ‘slap in the face’, the last ditch attempt of some messed up universal plan to ‘pull the rug’ out from underneath me. I feel I can go along and all is fine, and then suddenly, wham, bam, slap and down I go. It is like the universe is saying; ‘Hey Bex, you can’t have too much of a good thing. We have to ensure you get slapped back in line’.
I mean if I explained to you all the dirty tricks I’ve had played on me you’d probably say; ‘no way, I don’t believe it’. Yet, life, me and cosy and wonderful don’t go hand in hand. Never or ever!
Yet, until now I haven’t mentioned it, I haven’t harped on about it, I haven’t been sour over it – I just accept that is life and move on. Yet, this time, I feel my level of tolerance and the ability to move on has suddenly vanished.
I am truly dented; angry, hurt, and I am fed up with being pushed around by unseen decision makers who govern ‘fate’. Why is any of this considered as character building?? I could live life quite happily forever and ever without any more such ‘character building’ antics, thank you very much!
I am left feeling paranoid – this could happen again, I am at the mercy of things I can’t control. I have no power to alter anything. I am just me and I am not enough. I just want to go back to before this – so I don’t have to feel this way.
I have posted this, because I need to get some of these emotions out in the open. Stating them to the whole world (OK, exaggeration I know), but letting others see how I feel at this moment, well, it might just help me to release the negative and damaging vibes. I can’t explain in any detail anything that has happened, so I am just miscellaneously venting in a way, but that is OK, as I feel a weight could be lifted from my soul by merely doing that.
I basically need to vent!! I need to scream how I feel from the roof-tops, but I am trying to keep a lid on it too for everyone else’s sake. Others are worried and affected by all of this also. So, it isn’t so fair to load them down with my own selfish needs.
Consequently, you my wonderful WordPress readers are my free counsellors, my helping hands, my sounding boards, my sanity.
THANK YOU FOR READING! Though I know none of it really makes a whole lot of sense!