Once The Money Has Gone, Does The Love Run Out?

Yesterday I was talking to an old friend of mine, who was retelling how bad things have been recently for her. She has been somewhat distraught of late. Her financial situation has altered dramatically, causing her confusion and uncertainty, but the worst blow and most unexpected was the fact that the people she thought were her closet friends, weren’t.

Let me explain; my friend has always had money. She came from money and went on to have a good job, with money, and she had a good life, and a social life that comes with having such money. Now though, things aren’t what they were for my friend. In fact, her financial circumstances have been severely reduced, and now all she can share with her friends is friendship. 

Which is fine for me as her oldest friend, always has been. My old friend may have been wealthy, but that was not something I considered a relevant factor in our friendship. I always saw her as a kind, considerate and loving individual, who would help anyone and never think of being repaid for it. She is and always was a true friend. 

But, with her cash flow now disappeared, these ‘true friends’ have also. The ‘true friends’ who shared in her wealthy lifestyle, the ‘true friends’ who my oldest friend never before had to doubt or question, not until now. Now she can only give of herself and not of her wallet, these ‘true friends’ have gone. Her friendship was not what they wanted. 

So, the money has gone, and with it, for my friend, it seems that the love of friendship has gone also.

I therefore am left asking; is love, genuine love, so undervalued between people? Is all that glitters gold?

I am left wondering; is money the only thing worth sharing with others?

Money is the most materialistic base we can measure one another upon, I mean there are many others aren’t there, but money is for most people THE most important factor to measure people upon. Especially when it comes to relationships.

What do we value most in our relationships – is it what we do for others or what they do for us? How do we set up the parameters within our relationships – is it selfish or selfless? How do we decide what we will accept, demand, want, desire and need between ourselves – our expectations and no one else’s?

We all know the story, glamorous and beautiful young women dating a shrivelled up old man. The woman does this for LOVE?? Or does she do it because she likes the old man’s personality?? No, its for her DESIRE of that man. Or, is it merely for materialistic reasons, because that old man has MONEY?!

We sell ourself for cash everyday in every way, so why would selling love or friendship or interest or whatever else be any different, it isn’t. So, it isn’t a surprise to know there are people in the world who view money or materialism as the most important factor in their life. Although it is quite sad. 

Whether we are men & women, children & parents, families & friends, money or materialism makes our worlds rotate, balance evenly and keep afloat.

More specifically, relationships are bonds set up with or based upon what we can give to one another; incentives to make people love us, to please and appease.

Parents want their children to get good grades, succeed at football or play the flute, get good jobs and marry well. They are then proud to love their kids.

Children want a new bike, computer, iPhone, that holiday in Florida, their friends over for tea, the latest designer shoes. Then they tell you they love you. 

 

Partners want a bigger car, a house on a new estate, a holiday in the sun, they need promotions and relocations to here there and everywhere. Then they profess to love one another.

Friends want to go out, prosper, buy things they don’t need, drink, socialise have fun, forget themselves in some exotic far flung location and be young and fabulous on a beach with people they will never see again. Then they say they are friends. 

Relationships are materialistic in one way or another. 

 

So I suppose my main point, the point I have diverged a little from, is just this; can there be such a thing as unconditional love in these times of the mass materialism of relationships?

Is love, the real, undying, profound and all consuming variety a lie told to us as children, fresh from some fairy-tale or another?

I hope not, well, in fact I know it is not. I know love, and feel sorry for those who actually prefer materialism in its stead.  

Because, when the money or the materialism of relationships has gone, what else is left?? Maybe it is that dying concept formerly known as love!!! Yes, it is and who knew!!!! Without love the world is an empty place to be.

But, after all I have written here I won’t despair because of the lack of love in the world, and between people, well, not quite yet. I will keep hoping we don’t all become so mercenary that we choose to seek materialism over love. I will keep hoping we don’t become so blind and heartless that we close ourselves to the prospect of real love in all its forms. I will keep hoping we never forget that love is rarer and more precious than any booming bank account, any far flung holiday, any round of drinks in a posh hotel, any new car, any good grades, any fantastic job and wardrobe of designer clothes.  

Not My Cup Of Tea

It was a friend of a friends Birthday, and I got invited out for afternoon tea, odd you might think, afternoon tea in Madrid, it’s hardly a place renowned for such little quirks, and you’d be right.

Besides the slim slices of cake and tea offered in a mug, with not even a little teapot to keep it company, it wasn’t exactly The Savoy! Yet, it was a nice change, meeting people over tea and cake rather than beer and tapas.

I must admit, I love alcohol and food. Its practically in my blood; my family are thorough bred foodies and of course I have a strong Irish connection to boot (bad combination)! The only problem is both of these fine things, food and alcohol, don’t necessarily like me very much.

A few years ago I decided to scrap my old ways, in short, junk food was banned and so to was the vodka (et al). This, actually helped me. Physically, mentally and emotionally I felt relieved, it was like a breath of fresh air! I hadn’t realised how good it could be to be free of the shackles of, for want of a better expression, bad living.

Now, I’m no paragon of virtue, I still like to eat burgers and love a good cake and still enjoy a tipple, but since moving to Madrid I’ve noticed how easy it has been for me to slip back into my bad habits. Temptation is everywhere.

In the UK, I would choose not to go to bars, clubs and restaurants. I would meet friends in my home or theirs, we’d go walking, meet for coffee, go to the movies, shop, visit the beach, museums, National Trust properties and so on and so on. I seemed to have the opportunity to do more than merely meet people and friends in bars and restaurants to then eat and drink.

I had friends who were my party pals, they only wanted to get drunk and eat too much junk, consequently we soon parted ways as I didn’t want that lifestyle any more. I’d lived that lifestyle for too long, and frankly I was bored of wasting my money and time on a useless pursuit of what always was unhappiness the day after (hangover, arguments, tired, sick and so on).

Now, you may think, what a boring mare – no, actually I’m not. I enjoy diversity, I enjoy not having to do what other people expect I should do, because they are happy doing it. Yet, here in Madrid, everyone meets for beers and tapas, even a day of pottery making ends up in one of thousands of different bars open until the small hours.

WHY???!!!!!!

I am once again being forced to apply the breaks on this ‘lets have a drink and lets eat all the fat infused food we can find’ ethos, and I’m discovering just how difficult it is to keep up with friends.

Not all of my friends, as some of them get where I’m coming from, but there are those who don’t.

I have friends who just because they are happy to while away their weekends over bottles of booze and then the bathroom sink, they think I should want this too. If I don’t, then the invites to do things just suddenly don’t arrive any more. 

They think, I’m sure, that I’m miserable or purposefully avoiding their company. Well, I’m not, I just can’t physically or mentally do this drinking fest every weekend or weekday. 

If I accepted every offer to go out during the week:

A) I’d be flat broke

B) I’d have an inflated liver the size to envy any poor force fed goose

C) I’d be thoroughly miserable

D) I’d be the size of the Titanic before it sunk.        

What is it about these points that people find so hard to grasp and take seriously?!

Also, my life here isn’t necessarily like their lives.

I don’t work full time, I have a boyfriend I enjoy spending time with (which usually consists of mainly weekends as he works so much), and I also have a life which still exists in the UK too. In fact, I have one foot here in Madrid and one in the UK.  I suppose, in a way, I have more responsibilities than they do too.

No, I’m not taking about kids, but about bills, mortgages, a career I’m once again trying to revive, I’m learning Spanish (still) and they’re fluent already, plus I didn’t move to Madrid to extend my student years (as some of my friends seem to have done).

I suppose I’ve lost the thread here, or the initial thread in any case. I begun with afternoon tea. Well, the people I had afternoon tea with are these friends I’m taking about, and they are somewhat one dimensional in their offer of friendship.

The reason is I’m the outsider. They are 3 friends who know each other through teaching together, and I came to know them through one of the Madrid meet-ups.

Don’t get me wrong, they are lovely in many ways; they are very complimentary, kind and I have fun with them, but, I notice too that they only talk and don’t really listen. I don’t like that, it really is a sign that people aren’t really friends. I don’t enjoy being ignored, or cut short or spoken over as though I’m not important, and they were doing that quite a bit. Of course, they also were eager to depart as they had a drinking fest planned – which of course, I hadn’t been told about or invited to. So, I know, well now know, from our last meeting, that I am an outsider to them. I don’t fit into their type of friendship. I can dip in and out of it, but because I’m not a party animal, I’m not really their cup of tea (well, we all like coffee from time to time don’t we).

So, have I told them any of this – no, I didn’t see the point in really going over the ground with them. I know I can’t sacrifice my lifestyle choices to meet their own, and I know they wouldn’t stop going out or drinking the volume of beer that they do for me. So, it is what it is.

I suppose I feel a bit peeved. I mean I have lost one friend over this already. I couldn’t afford to do what she wanted to do every other weekend. Yet again though, our ideals of friendship clashed. She was looking for more friendship than I could give. I couldn’t be there for her and her alone – I have a life when I don’t see her and I have to maintain that! So, I don’t see her any more and that actually upsets me.         

I think too, I have sacrificed what I really wanted – not having to get drunk and eat junk and be out till the small hours, just to gain friends. How pathetic is that?! I’m too old for that crap! Either people like me for me, or they don’t. If they like the fact I can drink them under the table and stay up all night dancing, then what type of friendship is that? Hardly a firm foundation for me to rely upon.

For me, friends are people you can share everything with. I don’t want a one sided party fest, I’m not 20 any more, I want something connected, deeper and diverse. I won’t settle for superficial.

In saying all this on Saturday I return to the UK again, and this time it will be for two months (a very long time for me). I will then see which friends are left standing when I’m not in the picture for this length of time, and which forget I even existed.

I think the way I have been feeling of late the change of scene will do me well, as I am getting a little narky here (I think this post reflects that well enough), I seem to get ‘itchy feet’ after a few months in one place! God knows how I’ll cope when I don’t have another country to escape to, and am stuck in one on a permanent basis! I always thought I had some gypsy blood in me somewhere!

 

Anyway thanks for reading my rant!! I appreciate it as always.

Hasta luego!!!

Oh Dear, I’m In Trouble.

Just want to follow up on my last post.

What can I say, sorry perhaps for concerning and worrying family members who read it, and thought it pertained to my current relationship with my boyfriend.

It didn’t.

I don’t want to excuse my writing the post though, as it is my blog and it is where I commit feelings, thoughts, concerns, ideas and so on and so on. Also, I often include generic scenarios, and ‘Devil Advocate’ posts too. Not everything I write is personal or indeed about one person I know or about my family, friends or boyfriend.

I would never write about anything as personal on my blog anyway! Reason being, well, people do get the wrong end of the stick, that is natural!

The reason for writing my last post, was merely for it to be read, and to receive comments. Also it was a chance for me to perhaps clear some long languishing emotional cobwebs. As those who read regularly know I am on a mission to change, and also progress. I write every post as a kind of therapy, for me, and not necessarily for the reader to like or even identify with. Writing is after all a personal pursuit.

I feel a little upset that the post was interpreted wrongly, as this could have caused me some trouble, and upset. Yet, I hope this explanation will clarify, what my previous post did not.

The post wasn’t intended to discuss one person, but things that have occurred to me or been said to me from time to time, in varied situations.

For reference, my boyfriend and I are not perfect, then what couple are?! We do have our share of problems, arguments and general ‘argh’ moments, but after many, many years I deem that quite acceptable.

Thanks all for reading, and hopefully this now makes sense.

Who Is Pulling The Strings?

I hate it when I’m in the moment, and giving it all full throttle about how I feel, think, fear or whatever else – assuming, wrongly, that I am engaged in a conversation with the person opposite from me; when suddenly they decide to cut me dead, and leave me hanging!!!

They are quite content to dismiss my words with a pointless, and patronising interjection – what the Hell!!! Its like having something thrown at your head that was completely unexpected, a fly in your very nice soup, tripping over as you enter a store full of people – it is a horrible feeling!

These annoying people ALWAYS ASSUME they know exactly what I mean, think, feel or want and blatantly, THEY DON’T!!! How can they if they don’t listen!! What happened exactly?? Did this person possess me while I was sleeping, taking over my inner workings without me becoming aware? Yeah right!

In other words, let me perhaps misinterpret what they feel, think, mean and want for a change, so they know how annoying it is; they basically know better than me, therefore they don’t need to listen to me as what I have to say is as pointless as pickles on toast!

By being flippant about what I am trying to convey, regardless of the subject matter under discussion, patronising interjections make my words less significant. My words, feelings, thoughts, ideas, wants, opinions et al are belittled and yes, dismissed. These ‘Boss Hogs’ have seized the power in the ‘conversation’ – yet, what can anyone gain from a one sided conversation? They mustn’t get far in life must they.

Regardless of my emphatic protests against their continued assumptions, they continue to raise their barriers with the ‘I don’t care’ attitude, ‘I am always right and know everything’.

I just want to scream; ‘who made you the puppet master’? ‘Who the Hell are you to be nominated as judge and jury’? ‘Listen and perhaps you’ll then know’! ‘Quit jumping the gun and assuming things, as that really makes YOU appear to be a  bombastic, self obsessed ASS’!

Don’t take me and my feelings, needs, words and wants for granted please!!!!!!! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I MEAN, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT – so quit telling me YOU do!!!

 

Family, Friends Or Foe?

Recently, well after events unfolded my with Grandmother (Nanna) breaking her hip and leg bones. I have begun thinking of the above labels, and how we apply these to people; how often these labels overlap, freely and disconcertingly.

Family; our kith and kin, our blood, our own, firm relationships and bonds.

Friends; connection, understanding, empathy, shared experiences and interests.

Foe; can be a stranger or the above turned sour and against you.

Family to me seem the strangest ‘kettle of fish’ of all the labels. Fathoming why they are as they are, and why they often profess to be on your side, but all too quickly forget that if the ‘chips are down’, is life’s impossible task.

Why are these kins folk so quick to turn against you, abandon you and use you??

Surely that isn’t in the definition of what a family member is supposed to be??

Yes, family are still people, humans; just because they are flesh and blood or linked by marriage doesn’t mean they will naturally be my firm allies. I know that. Yet, the very ones who let me down first are the ones I think wouldn’t, the ones who claim they are on my side.

In fact there has been one person whom has adopted a complete silence about even acknowledging there has been any problem, that my Nanna has been hospitalised. This person hasn’t even asked once if all is well. I always hear about this persons problems, yet now this person can’t be bothered to even enquire how I am!!!

Nice!!!!

Yet, they seem happy enough to brag up how wonderful their family is; yes, I bet they are – perfection personified – NOT!    These silly little acts meant to gloss over their recent conduct, and the issues they choose to ignore!!! Goodness me.

I really am stumped regarding this silent treatment, but feel that enough is enough. This is not the definition of family I recognise. If I am good enough to be there for them when they need something or require advice, well, consider this privilege rescinded. I am fed-up of being there for others and having nothing in return. The selfishness of some people knows NO bounds!!!

I can turn my back too, so don’t worry. YOU will need me before I will need you.

 

 

10 Things I Hate

Pic from: hartlove.wordpress.com

 

Going on our merry way through life, we all tend to pick up things that rankle us. Whether they are designed for such purposes or not, they do.

Sometimes it is as though the universe itself converges upon me, just with one thought at heart; to annoy, cause disharmony, disrupt and blatantly infuriate me!

With all this in mind I sat down and considered, funnily enough not for long, what my top ten most hated things were (in relation to situations mainly).

So, here they are – enjoy and hopefully you can empathise too?!

1. Where ever you sit down or park your car – doesn’t matter how empty a place is, someone HAS TO situate themselves near you. WHY? Is it herd mentality?

2. Bad manners. Now this I cannot abide. Manners cost nothing. It is a sign of courtesy, a display of appreciation which makes everyone’s day a little more pleasant. Whether it is a ‘thank you’ or holding a door open for someone; the sentiment behind the act is priceless.

3. People who wear summer clothing just because they see a glint of sunshine in February (or any other time of year when it is equally as freezing cold)!!

4. Those people who never truly listen, but merely wait for their turn to speak. This is not conversation, this is not empathy, this is not courteous. This type of discourse only makes for frustration, and a feeling of being under-valued.

5. People who bring all their problems to your door, but when you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on they run for the hills. This is not friendship, but a free counselling service!

6. Queues. Whichever queue you join it will be the one that takes the longest to get served. Fact!

7. People who drive whilst brushing their hair and applying make-up, speaking on a mobile phone, texting their friends, whilst reading a map or whilst using a laptop (yes, I actually have witnessed a truck driver doing this very thing)!

8. People who do not know the meaning of giving way whilst walking on a sidewalk. They negotiate the sidewalks as badly as they drive. I know here in Madrid getting from A to B can be a free for all – pushing and shoving, whole groups of people blocking your path and taking over the whole sidewalk; even dogs and children running into you. I hate it – MOVE OVER and let other people be on their way PLEASE! Regardless of what you may think, you DON’T own the sidewalk!!!

9. People who just STARE at you for no reason, as though they haven’t seen another human being in about 10 years. WHY!  

10. People who inflict their BAD ATTITUDES on you for no reason other than you happen to be near them at that moment. I actually experienced this quite recently whilst I was visiting my Grandmother in Accident and Emergency. Some psycho woman thought it was OK to ‘get up in my face’ just because she was having a bad day. Like I wasn’t!!!! Oh well, she was having a bad day, well then that behaviour is excused and all is OK – just go ahead and make my day even more awful, just as long as you get all your anger off your chest; errr, NO!

Just 10 things?? WOW, I really feel I could ‘vent’ 10 more!!!!

WHAT ABOUT YOU??? Have any of YOU anything to add to my modest list of annoyances????

PLEASE – LET ME KNOW!!!!!!!     

Y.O.L.O

Pic from: http://www.butler.edu

“You only live once” – a reference used to provide a green light for, or excuse something someone wishes to do that perhaps others may frown upon.

If it is true – and I am not debating reincarnation, afterlife, or any other religious belief here really, I am just acting on the assumption that life will only occur once for all of us who inhabit the planet.
So once again, IF IT IS TRUE, IF WE ONLY LIVE ONCE then we ought to be a bunch of selfish, self centred, self serving, egotistical meat heads?????????????????? Shouldn’t we????????

Why concern ourselves with politics, law, money and love??? Why abide by the rules, accumulate as much material wealth as possible, fixate on our health and diets???

We are only ever going to get one chance to live, therefore why weren’t we all born with ‘rockets’ attached to bottoms, which would spur us on from the moment we could walk?? Why wouldn’t we just all do what pleases us, what gets us the most from life??? Why would we follow anything laid out by the doctrines of society, community, family and so on????

What purpose would treading that ingrained path and towing that frayed line get us, if we did only live once????

If we are only living once then why waste time on drowning our sorrows with alcohol, working a 9-5, buying a house, repairing a car, investing in family and saving our money???????

Why not instead live life in a wild and crazy haze of fun, fun, fun? Living our lives to the max by seeing the world, travelling, meeting people, taking many lovers, stealing, cheating and lying and whatever else the ‘exotic’ could hold to tempt and entice us?????

Or, is the premise of the saying to do something more worthwhile with your life, not to waste your time on nonsense and that which makes you unhappy and unfulfilled????

Doesn’t Y.O.L.O advocate the ethos – do all you can, as quick as you can, while you can??????

If not, what is the point in saying it at all????

What in fact does it truly mean anyway??? Does anyone ever consider the meaning before they say it????

It seems Y.O.L.O encourages freedoms, because it chooses to assume that there are no consequences to face for individual actions and so on. Yet, in reality there often almost always are repercussions!

Is Y.O.L.O just an excuse to be a ‘loner’ or a ‘wolf’???? An excuse to treat those around you like doggie do do??? An excuse not to ingratiate yourself with the ‘normal’ world???

I would like to put this theory or saying to the test, and see where it gets me!!! It might make a good sociological study, something to prompt further posts even!!! Y.O.L.O actually sounds like a principle that could make a damn good comedy film.

Where did this “you only live once” notion spring from anyway???

“You only live once” – Are you so sure of that????

‘M’ Is For The Many Ways I’d Maim ‘Her’

Who is her you might ask, well, it could be anyone, couldn’t it????

Perhaps it is reference to us, and how quick we are to shoot ourselves in the foot time and time again??

Or maybe we just like to shoot others down – whatever, it all amounts to the same thing; harbouring a tinge of fear or anger.

Well, I know I am guilty of thinking ‘How bloody dare they?!’ With an incredulous tone. Oh, and not to forget, ‘They’ll get their comeuppance’.

Yet, that doesn’t mean I’m about to hunt them down and make them sorry they were born.

Whether these others are at fault or even if they deserve a smack in the mouth – why the Hell should I care, and even deign to let them set foot over the threshold of my little sanctuary of peace of mind?

Can it ever be worthwhile going all out to ensure the person who has done you wrong gets it back??

I’m asking, but can assure, I’m not the vengeful type!!!

I mean doesn’t this all out ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Really just destroy a piece of you, before you destroy a piece of the person who made you initially feel ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!???

Isn’t this game we could opt to play to get back, merely just stooping to a childish tit for tat mentality?

What’s the point in ‘maiming’ someone, just so you feel you have recompense?

The many ways I’d maim ‘her’, ummmmm, well I’m sure there could be many, but the best is truly acting as though nothing is wrong.

Rise to the bait and it is you who is maimed and not ‘her’.

Back At It

So, after leaving Madrid for the UK and worrying myself sick over the flight, and all the messing about that is associated with flying in this time of paranoia. I am once again returned to Madrid; my week away gone all too quickly.

Getting myself back into the routine of life here in Madrid is proving a little difficult, although I know I have only in theory really been back a few hours.

What is making the settling back down harder is the fact that this time I stayed at my parent’s house. I am a person who is used to and likes time alone, but I didn’t get much of this back in the UK. So, now I have become accustomed to having people that love me around me more frequently, and I am used to talking about things with them throughout the day.  Plus, I have become a little too reliant (and enjoyed) my families home cooking – so I feel I was spoilt whilst there.

Yet, it isn’t just that.

My Grandmother (Nanna) was taken into hospital the second day I was back. She had fallen and broken her hip and thigh bones. I was immediately struck with shock and worry. I knew that if she had to undergo an operation she might not survive it. My Nanna is 81 in April, and she has never before had an operation (nor general aesthetic).

Yet, regardless of this my Nanna came through a lengthy op to wake and discover she had titanium extras in place of her broken bones. Relief, well, yes, I felt over the moon all was well. My Nanna and I are very close, and I love her dearly.

However, I am left wondering how well the after-care will be now. I am not there to witness this. I told her before I left her on Sunday that if I hear of any problems I will not hesitate to return back to the UK, and ensure any wrong doing is rectified, and any mistreatment is punished. After writing previously about the shocking NHS standards, I am under no illusion that they are perfect. How these people are able to treat or mistreat older people in their care is grotesque.

I also wonder if now my Nanna will actually receive more ‘professional’ help about the house, or even be entitled to some welfare benefits. Currently she gets nothing at all, she survives on her pension, which after scrimping and saving towards for over 40 years, has become a meagre amount. My Nanna still pays her way and even is taxed on her pension, after working all her life, she still has nothing for free. It infuriates me, when there are others who receive more in benefits than she does in pension, and they do have plenty for nothing.

This idea that the elderly are rolling around in money they all stuff under their mattresses is ridiculous. Yet, even if they are ‘well off’ at least they have worked for it – a generation of people who had to work for it, otherwise they’d receive nothing.  They didn’t expect anything to be handed to them on a platter, and the world didn’t owe them a living like most of today’s generation believes. These people strived and struggled to have security in their later years (a good pension), and yet many of these people aren’t even receiving that little luxury.

The other thing I had been questioning was myself.

A friend of mine was happy enough to lay the guilt trip on me, during these initial few days of extreme worry. She believes herself to be ‘Mother Teresa’. Her Father was dying and she felt compelled to ‘care’ for him, though she has children and a husband. I say ‘care’, but in theory he passed away, which they knew he would, before any real care could transpire. The care that involves 24/7 support didn’t come to fruition; the washing, dressing, lifting the person, toileting the person, housework, shopping, preparation of meals, feeding them, dealing with he household bills and so on and so on.

My friends ‘care’ of her Father consisted of taking her Dad out for day trips, sitting and talking to him, reminiscing and offering comfort, having a drink with him, putting his affairs in order and that was that.

I wonder how she would have felt in an alternate situation whereby she had to suspended her life with her family to really care for her Dad?

I know I am no martyr to the cause; I am inherently selfish. I knew when it all came down I couldn’t say I would sacrifice myself and life to care for my Nanna. Am I brave or stupid to even acknowledge such limitations; who can tell.

I have always thought professional care would be the better option, as they are supposed to know what they are doing. I don’t mean I would abandon anyone to their fate in the hands of strangers, but I couldn’t be as proficient as trained carers would be. I wouldn’t know where to begin.

My life too is no longer in the UK, so that alone poses a major barrier. I couldn’t say goodbye to my ties here, and return to care for my Nanna. Not that she expects that of me; she wants me to live my life and is happy for me. Yet, see what doubts are implanted from a few unthoughtful words from a friend.

I doubted myself, and still do – what am I worth if I can’t give back to a person I love? I feel like a shitty human being, but this isn’t helping. I mean having these thoughts during a time when all I needed to think about was whether my Nanna would actually live through the operation and trauma, it just added distress.

Why did my friend think it was OK to upset the apple cart even more, with her few words of ‘wisdom’ on the matter of caring for a relative?

What was she thinking?

A friend who thought I shouldn’t return to my life in Madrid. A friend willing to add insult to injury, and stress to an already stressful situation. A friend who judged me when I needed her, who threw back in my face all my impartial support of her through her Father’s illness and ensuing death.

All because I wouldn’t bow to her ‘ideal’ of what a person, a relative should do.

So now I am back in Madrid with threads left in the UK, which aren’t tied up into neat pretty bows.

I suppose I shall have to find a way to square all this, or face feeling a juxtaposition with everything I have here.

 

Vanquish The Dark Cloud

Picture called ‘Dark Cloud’ by: chexmixho.deviantart.com

“If something can help you unlock your inner self, then

it is worth while.

Nothing can replace years of feeling a

weight has been lifted’, and ‘a dark cloud’ has been

vanquished”.

 

The Savvy Senorita (AKA: Bex Houghagen) 2013