This Is Hell

So, waiting for my flight back to the UK to be confirmed, I am left cooling my heels and feeling the angst of the mini catastrophe awaiting me there, build about me like a dark shadow.

I truly am angry and upset. I am shocked and looking for revenge – yes, revenge!!!!!!!

After posting ‘M’ Is For The Many Ways I’d Maim ‘Her’ , and re-reading what I have stated there, I could laugh!!
“Rise to the bait and it is you who are maimed” said I, even though I knew I would always respond so angrily; even if someone had crossed me half as much as they have this time!! At this moment I really couldn’t give a damn if I burn in Hell for feeling so angry or so full of malice. I mean at the moment I feel I am in Hell, so why not consider the many ways I could maim those people who have hurt me. They deserve it for what they have done; how they rip people’s lives apart in one moment, and don’t care.

Basically, if I could grab the very fabric of the ethereal world that surrounds me, and use this as a weapon to wrap around those people, I would try to suffocate them, I would!!!

I really have seen this as a final ‘slap in the face’, the last ditch attempt of some messed up universal plan to ‘pull the rug’ out from underneath me. I feel I can go along and all is fine, and then suddenly, wham, bam, slap and down I go. It is like the universe is saying; ‘Hey Bex, you can’t have too much of a good thing. We have to ensure you get slapped back in line’.

I mean if I explained to you all the dirty tricks I’ve had played on me you’d probably say; ‘no way, I don’t believe it’. Yet, life, me and cosy and wonderful don’t go hand in hand. Never or ever!

Yet, until now I haven’t mentioned it, I haven’t harped on about it, I haven’t been sour over it – I just accept that is life and move on. Yet, this time, I feel my level of tolerance and the ability to move on has suddenly vanished.

I am truly dented; angry, hurt, and I am fed up with being pushed around by unseen decision makers who govern ‘fate’. Why is any of this considered as character building?? I could live life quite happily forever and ever without any more such ‘character building’ antics, thank you very much!

I am left feeling paranoid – this could happen again, I am at the mercy of things I can’t control. I have no power to alter anything. I am just me and I am not enough. I just want to go back to before this – so I don’t have to feel this way.

I have posted this, because I need to get some of these emotions out in the open. Stating them to the whole world (OK, exaggeration I know), but letting others see how I feel at this moment, well, it might just help me to release the negative and damaging vibes. I can’t explain in any detail anything that has happened, so I am just miscellaneously venting in a way, but that is OK, as I feel a weight could be lifted from my soul by merely doing that.

I basically need to vent!! I need to scream how I feel from the roof-tops, but I am trying to keep a lid on it too for everyone else’s sake. Others are worried and affected by all of this also. So, it isn’t so fair to load them down with my own selfish needs.

Consequently, you my wonderful WordPress readers are my free counsellors, my helping hands, my sounding boards, my sanity.

THANK YOU FOR READING!  Though I know none of it really makes a whole lot of sense!

We’re On The Road To Nowhere………..

It is something intrinsic to most, but perhaps not all humans; to reflect back upon past events. This act can be useful, but it can also prove to be a torturous affair, especially if by what occurred, we ought to have inherently learnt something of value to replicate in similar future circumstances. Yeah, we all learn SOMETHING, but it isn’t always the epiphany we may have been waiting for. In life it doesn’t always matter how much you learn or what events you watch unfold a thousand times; the power to avert some of life’s little disasters is not always in your hands. Could it be a cause and consequence of that tricky little thing called; FATE???????

Anyway, I ramble on and too happily divert! From such repetition of events in my life, something occurred which I had been expecting for a long while. This was something I lived with and hated, but as there were financial constraints, and expectations applied by myself and forced upon me I naturally kept moving towards the inevitable ending.

To put it simply, for many years I loathed my job, as too many people do! What really got me was I had been the type of person to move from place to place; once the bad got going I was gone, and not because I had no commitment, but because I knew as any lady does when not to outstay the welcome! Any job can turn bad, especially with the economic downturn, but because of that very thing the option to leave the miserable predicament was beyond me. I had tried to make it better, ‘its just a job’ as my boyfriend would say, but the dire situation I was stuck in a rut with was making me depressed.

It was no use moaning I had to face facts, I was stuck and stagnating to the point where not even medication was enough to keep a smile on my face. My life or more importantly myself, was crumbling and in danger of being left to disintegrate in the seventh circle of Hell I felt I had seemingly created for myself!

When you are in Hell, you are alone. No amount of consolation, sincere or forced can help you feel hope or comfort; and a life without hope is pretty grim on a day to day basis. I couldn’t believe that this was it, forever and ever. Hadn’t I been brought into this world for something more? I was losing my way and there were no directions, I was in deep ‘do-do’!

To cut the story short; in the end there was a messy snake fest, where to say the least they tried to squash the last remaining life out of me, but there in that moment was my chance to bite back, AT LAST!!!! I had waited years to sock it to ‘em and now they had made their final transgression against me!

Well, I got what I wanted, with some help and it was a pleasure to be honest. I eventually got to see the powers that be understand my situation. So I was then all of a sudden cut free, AT LAST, and I was wildly ecstatic! I had prayed for for such a request from the moment I realised it was turning sour. I had my wish suddenly granted, and I felt an overwhelming relief I hadn’t felt since achieving such success as, brilliant A Level results and passing my driving test! Could this granted wish leave me feeling on a high forever, I was certain the answer was a definite and loud, YES!!!!!!!!!!!

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© Bex Houghagen and The Savvy Senorita, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Bex Houghagen and The Savvy Senorita with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.