I don’t want to dig at anyone else. I don’t want to say; ‘hey you are wrong’! Yet, I have to state, just for my won record, that I don’t necessarily agree on any one definition of confidence, or in fact how to spot confidence.
Until I know a person I refrain from making a sweeping judgement on them and their life history. Perhaps, because I spent my life being judged by others!!! I also don’t agree that by being confident it can make you a beautiful person, because confidence alone doesn’t make a person anything.
I also question whether any one person is 100% confident? I doubt they are, and doubt they are confident 100% of the time. Also, how often is confidence mistook for being arrogant, cocky, foolish, dismissive, spiteful, brash and so on and so on?
I too used to think, because I was actually told by people who said they were under confident; the reasons these people always bragged about themselves and their life, bullied others, acted up or had to be the comedian, talked too much and too loudly, was because they felt under confident. Perhaps this is true for some people, but not for everyone.
Now, I have never been 100% confident in me – NEVER! Yet, I am good at masking this, moving on, challenging myself and pushing myself to ensure I don’t hide away. I can appear confident no doubt, but not by bragging, talking too loudly or rambling on and on about me in conversation. Just by how I interact, what I am willing to do, even good eye contact and positive body language.
In fact, I learnt to not brag myself up or what I had or did from a young age. Bragging was believed to be crass, and discussing your personal life and wealth was too. Also hogging the conversation, talking too loudly about nonsense or personal matters, and acting like a complete fool to gain attention – all were deemed crass and a BIG no, no!
I was brought up to be modest, not to ‘blow my own horn’, to listen and then speak, to be mannerly and adhere to social etiquettes. In short, I was taught to not act as though I were too important, not to place myself above other people. Whether I was richer, more intelligent, more talented, artistic, or whatever; I had to just keep quiet about it all, and allow others to impart to me their life stories.
Being forced to be modest all of the time, and this sort of ‘social conditioning’, along with other issues, has actually contributed over the years to my own battle with under confidence. Another reason, one of THE most profound reasons for feeling bad about me in general, stems from being severely bullied from a young age up until I left school. This was actually because of who I was, and what others perceived of me. I know because some of these bullies actually admitted this to me at one point. They bullied me because they saw me as threat. I wouldn’t be like them, I didn’t want to be their friends, I refused to bow to what they wanted or act as though I wasn’t an individual with my own brain.
Yet, some people think that ALL bullies have confidence issues, well, my bullies may have had those issues, yet I do too and have NEVER bullied another.
So is it wrong to display a ‘false confidence’? Is it wrong to brag about you, to talk loudly, to perhaps not listen intently, to be the comedian (or whatever else)? Well consider this, how can anyone get anywhere unless they are willing to at least brag a little about themselves and their qualities? How do we become an employee, a student, a boss, an entrepreneur, how do we get a bank loan or find a partner? We display ourselves in the best possible light, and we talk about what we can offer, and often languish in a little self importance.
People may be or not be confident, BUT people being people WILL display this under confidence in many varying ways. There isn’t one type of anything. Confidence, like the weather, changes depending on what, who, where and how.
In my opinion any-way!!!
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Can You Spot A Truly Confident Person?
Totally agree with you and the people commenting. You’ll realize this more as you get older. It’s one reason I love my age and all the knowledge it has brought me regarding other people. Thanks!
True there isn’t one type of anything, I have met very confident people who would shy away at some things and vice versa
Agreed on that! Thanks for your comment on this, I appreciate it 🙂
Bex, being who you truly are is a sort of confidence. But I agree with NicoLite and Ionia. No one is confident all the time. You hear about actors who are really shy who put on a different persona in order to perform. I’m very nervous about public speaking. Someone suggested that I act like I’m good at it just to make it through my lecture. It worked to a degree.
Yes, I agree – not feeling you have change to please or compensate. I definitely agree that no-one can be 100% confident all the time, it would be impossible!! Yes, that seems like a good trick to help; and if it works for you then do it!!!!!!
the ability to impose one’s will onto others is often mistake for confidence. Well, there is a sort of confidence involved: confidence in said ability. But really, it’s just manipulation and illusion. I am confident in my ability to perform a set of tasks, or to improvise the skills to perform those tasks, but manipulation is not among those. Sadly, life rewards those who manipulate others more readily than anyone else, because seeming is being; at least until there is a real comparison of skill…
Yep for sure, there are many things which can be mistaken as confidence. Many people who manipulate are more than merely confident I think; it is a scary ability! I agree that society does also value things from people, which perhaps aren’t always the best skills, abilities or traits.
I really don’t think that anyone is 100% confident all the time. I think the more confident they seem sometimes, in fact, the less they actually feel it. Great post, thought provoking.
Yes, I agree on that!! Thanks you, I appreciate that 🙂
Insightful. I appreciate your questions, pointing to an underlying human insecurity that plagues us all. Maybe the real question is whether we trust ourselves, i.e. allow ourselves to accept ourselves for who we are with our strenthgs and limitations and allow that to be enough. Can we release the years of pent up shame thrown over us like winter outdoor wear? Can we approve of ourselves rather than look for approval of others?
It seems that even people who think they are confident are perceived by others as phonies. I don’t think any one person can actually win, therefore, you are correct that it is how we feel about us that matters. We need to approve ourselves, and not seek validation or justification from others. I do agree with your response to this, this is exactly the case, thanks Julie!!!!