Being back here in the UK again so soon, feels weird. I must admit I’m not feeling 100% my usual ‘on top of the world’, and am struggling to maintain a smile and the facade of happiness.
Everything lately has seemingly taken an effect on me, like a delayed reaction. I was angry, and now I have had time to think I just feel sad. I can’t fully explain everything , all the emotions, they feel like a weight attached to my heart. I feel I need to sigh a lot, which means I have unresolved malarkey milling about inside, waiting to be set free – usually with a good cry.
Crying, is easier said than done. I am now in my parents house; time alone to ruminate is not really the easiest thing to procure! Also, I feel quite foolish, no one has died, so why do I feel so emotional and down??
I know a few bad things have occurred, and between them and other things (which are no doubt unresolved), the tension inside has been mounting for a while. I have allowed the bad feelings to lingering within me for too long a time.
So, feeling weird, and with the unnecessary little altercation over a pear (yes, over a piece of fruit), I left my parent’s house to walk. I needed to walk the emotions off, to give myself some space in the fresh air. I myself needed time away from anyone or anything just to think, to free my mind.
Although it was raining heavily I didn’t care, I let my feet take me in the direction they wanted to go. I found myself heading towards the graveyard, where my Grandmother (my Dad’s Mum) and my Grandfather (my Mum’s Dad) is buried.
Sounds morbid maybe, but I needed to be there. I hardly ever visit their graves, why, well I don’t believe they are actually there. I feel their essence left when they passed away, but sometimes being where they lie can be a focal point, a place to be at peace and think.
To cut a long story short my Grandfather or Tid as I called him from a baby, was like a second Father to me. I was close to him and my Nanna (who is currently ill in hospital). I couldn’t and still can’t really visit his grave without feeling emotional. Today, with everything mounting was no exception. I cried, and couldn’t stop myself. Although I was chiding myself for being foolish, for visiting ‘him’ with my shit when he, wherever he is, doesn’t need it, made me feel like an idiot.
I mean, it could be worse; I could be lying there where he is, instead I am alive and nothing is as bad as being dead.
So, I sat and thought and cried.
Then I noticed, from no-where a funeral procession was approaching me. This has never happened before. The exact spot I was sitting the funeral was making its way towards – taking up both walkways. I was a little shocked, and being dressed in black anyway I thought; ‘oh my goodness, I’m crying and in black, they’ll think I’m one of the relatives’!
I got up and left, and in that moment I felt relieved, a weight had been lifted. I laughed to myself at the irony – the coincidence. Moments before I saw the procession arrive I had said ‘Could be worse I could be dead’, and then there was the proof, walking towards me!
As I laughed and walked away the sun came out, the rain stopped and I just knew someone, somewhere was saying; ‘see, don’t be foolish, things will get better’. I felt it was some sort of ‘sign’, some sort of comfort.
A weird comfort, but it worked.
I felt as though someone had heard me, and was trying to comfort me as best they could.
I don’t know what any of you will think reading this, perhaps that I have gone crazy. Yet, for me, it was the ‘sign’ I needed.
I’m glad you got a laugh and a bit of irony there. At least it was something and in a way – something good. I know if it were me – I’d be laughing too. I’d probably raise my head to the heavens and say, “REALLY?! Really?! You just HAD to send that!?” and laugh. 🙂
Yes, I did actually!!!! I couldn’t believe it – it was so uncanny at that exact moment!!!
You sound so much like me. I’ve done the same thing at graveyards. I mean, sometimes I visit them but I always leave feeling empty because they’re not there. Sometimes, I go anyway because something draw me there and usually I leave with the sun shining and a new perspective.
Love the way you write. It brings me there.
Thank you for that compliment, I sincerely appreciate it.
Yes, new perspectives seem to come from any visit – it is strange.
Thanks again, Bex
Wanting to be some place quiet, that allows you to come up with the solution of ignoring/accepting the wrong if not an actual solution has kinda left me thoughtful.
It was actually shocking to see a daddy blogger ‘like’ my first post on my first blog. I don’t know if you do this usually, but I’m grateful to come across a blogger like you. you’re my first followed person..
Hi, Thank you for your comment, I appreciate your thoughts on this.
Yes, I am a regular blogger and write about thoughts, ideas, inspirations and life in general – plus anything else that I need to ‘vent’ about!!
Well, I am happy you have chosen to follow me, that is sweet 🙂
Hope to have more comments from you in the future.
Thanks again, bex 🙂
Very touching, thank you for sharing
Thank you for appreciating my post. Very kind of you.
Thanks for reading 🙂
definitely crazy 😉 you’re in good company there, though. If you remained sane in this world, you were insane to begin with
Yes, I think so too!!! Personnaly I feel insane is really sane 😉 Being that way you see the world for what it is a ball of confusion. Things are seen clearer.
I think you did the right thing. The cemetery is actually a great place for reflection. It brings you back to reality. Tell us more about the pear fight! Was it a bosc pear? Kingdoms have been lost over less! When I had my first car, I used to drive through the cemetery road every evening as a short cut, and every time, my engine would stutter and cut out at a specific point. I even took passengers as witnesses and it happened all the time. I never knew why.
I think so too, it is definately a place to reconnect, I don’t know why. Perhaps, they do hold some ‘magical’ power! That sounds like a weird phenomonom. I wonder what was the cause?!
No, I think it was a Conference Pear, so, who knows what the fuss was about – they all look the same to me (well, usually)!
Thanks for your response,
May your Grandpa rest in peace. Death is an end to the misery and not the other way around. Its life that contains all the suffering. But you’re strong enough to face any sufferings. Believe in yourself, I believe in you. 🙂
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I appreciate it greatly! Thanks too for your belief in me too, I need that – it is good to ‘hear’ it.
It’s good that you wrote about it. Now that you have expressed a part of your feelings, you will definitely feel better with time.
For some matter, I feel death is a very big philosophy, It makes you contemplate and leaves you with its own teachings that are hard to be described.
Thank you! I think so too, well, hope so. Yes, it does, it seems to hold sway over time and is always applicable.
Walks are great for clearing things up. I’m glad this turned out well for you! Sometimes the simple things in life are exactly what we need for our signs but we never stop to notice them (imo). 🙂
Thank you, yes, I needed it. It kind of cleared somethings for me. I hope this allows me to just move on now 🙂