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This Is Hell


So, waiting for my flight back to the UK to be confirmed, I am left cooling my heels and feeling the angst of the mini catastrophe awaiting me there, build about me like a dark shadow.

I truly am angry and upset. I am shocked and looking for revenge – yes, revenge!!!!!!!

After posting ‘M’ Is For The Many Ways I’d Maim ‘Her’ , and re-reading what I have stated there, I could laugh!!
“Rise to the bait and it is you who are maimed” said I, even though I knew I would always respond so angrily; even if someone had crossed me half as much as they have this time!! At this moment I really couldn’t give a damn if I burn in Hell for feeling so angry or so full of malice. I mean at the moment I feel I am in Hell, so why not consider the many ways I could maim those people who have hurt me. They deserve it for what they have done; how they rip people’s lives apart in one moment, and don’t care.

Basically, if I could grab the very fabric of the ethereal world that surrounds me, and use this as a weapon to wrap around those people, I would try to suffocate them, I would!!!

I really have seen this as a final ‘slap in the face’, the last ditch attempt of some messed up universal plan to ‘pull the rug’ out from underneath me. I feel I can go along and all is fine, and then suddenly, wham, bam, slap and down I go. It is like the universe is saying; ‘Hey Bex, you can’t have too much of a good thing. We have to ensure you get slapped back in line’.

I mean if I explained to you all the dirty tricks I’ve had played on me you’d probably say; ‘no way, I don’t believe it’. Yet, life, me and cosy and wonderful don’t go hand in hand. Never or ever!

Yet, until now I haven’t mentioned it, I haven’t harped on about it, I haven’t been sour over it – I just accept that is life and move on. Yet, this time, I feel my level of tolerance and the ability to move on has suddenly vanished.

I am truly dented; angry, hurt, and I am fed up with being pushed around by unseen decision makers who govern ‘fate’. Why is any of this considered as character building?? I could live life quite happily forever and ever without any more such ‘character building’ antics, thank you very much!

I am left feeling paranoid – this could happen again, I am at the mercy of things I can’t control. I have no power to alter anything. I am just me and I am not enough. I just want to go back to before this – so I don’t have to feel this way.

I have posted this, because I need to get some of these emotions out in the open. Stating them to the whole world (OK, exaggeration I know), but letting others see how I feel at this moment, well, it might just help me to release the negative and damaging vibes. I can’t explain in any detail anything that has happened, so I am just miscellaneously venting in a way, but that is OK, as I feel a weight could be lifted from my soul by merely doing that.

I basically need to vent!! I need to scream how I feel from the roof-tops, but I am trying to keep a lid on it too for everyone else’s sake. Others are worried and affected by all of this also. So, it isn’t so fair to load them down with my own selfish needs.

Consequently, you my wonderful WordPress readers are my free counsellors, my helping hands, my sounding boards, my sanity.

THANK YOU FOR READING!  Though I know none of it really makes a whole lot of sense!

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28 thoughts on “This Is Hell

  1. Oh I’m so sorry Bex. (((hugs)))

    Sometimes, we all feel this way. Sometimes it’s best to just say, “I understand” or “I’ve been there and I hear you”. Sometimes it’s just best to listen. So I won’t try to give you advice because it wouldn’t matter anyway. You already know what you know and there’s no need for me to state the obvious. I DO understand though. I DO also know that the sun will shine again so please hang in there.

    • Thank you for the hugs – needed them recently!!!!

      Yes, listening helps and I just needed to get the emotions ‘off my chest’. Thank you for understanding and empathising. I appreciate it 😀

      I will hang in there – thank you 😀

  2. Sounds like someone has been made a victim of “Mercuy in Retrograde”. This time between the months is always terrible for everyone. I don’t know the full circumstances – but it is why I wished you a safe journey with everything going smoothly. This time isn’t exactly known for “Smooth”.

    However, that being said – no one is ever just simply a “Victim” of Fate. You are only a Victim and at the mercy of suppose “Outside Devices” if you allow yourself to be. Granted, this same energy that can make one feel often trapped and defeated, you can tap into that and become a “Co-creator” in your world and environment around you – if you know how.

    It does suck though, feeling like this and there will always BE somethings you simply cannot change because they are out of your “Sphere of Influence”, but it doesn’t mean you can’t make the best of it or change how you are going to view your circumstances.

    I’m probably just spouting off stuff you already know and I don’t want to risk sounding like I’m lecturing, but I’m here as the “Faerie of Helpful Reminders”. 😀

    So I hope you feel better. I highly suggest you do something you normally very much enjoy to help with those feelings, maybe count as many things as you know you’re grateful for. Might help and it will definitely shift those thoughts & feelings into positive energy at work in your life to work back into your favor. :3

    *hugs*

    ~Gwen

    • Thanks for your reminders, and advice – I appreciate it and don’t feel at all that you are lecturing me. I can believe Mercury has something to do with it, I have had this before. I wish its universal jaunts wouldn’t interrupt me! I wish it would stay put and be silent! It makes sense – having at least 3 bad things happening – two grand scale – I wondered who had the knives out for me.
      Thanks, the journey was OK, but from then everything went weird. I even felt weird. I couldn’t settle even when I returned to Madrid either, as my Nanna had been ill when I was in the UK, but now I realise it wasn’t just my Nanna being ill that unsettled me. Other things too have come into play. I have to return to the UK again tomorrow because of these new things (which are now causing my upset).
      I am never sure how to be co-creator of anything – I once felt very in-tune with such things, now I am not. I do feel there was no warning with this, though some say it could have been inevitable. I just hoped to avoid such ‘poop hitting the fan’. Yep, I felt something coming, but couldn’t alter it. This sounds like Mercury as this happened before.
      Yes, you are right. I think by going back to the UK I might feel I am moving things out of the poop. I am ‘powerless’ here a the moment.
      Wish me luck and light for tomorrow and my return visit to the UK Gwen. I need it!!!

      • I think I have some posts, old ones, that might help with the trying to re-learn how to become an active, contributing “Co-Creator” in your life. They have to do with “Law of Attraction”. 🙂

        Mercury in Retrograde affects everyone, unless you were born during Mercury in Retrograde. So whether a person believes in it or not, bad stuff may still happen and things may still not go our way regardless of our belief in it.

        I do wish you lots of luck, safe to and return journey, blessings and more on your trip. Be safe! ❤

        ~Gwen

        • Been thinking about this last night. I’m not sleeping well, so during patches of restlessness – I kept returning to this theme, and Mercury.

          I will read them as soon as my time permits me. With everything that is going on I don’t know how much internet (or me ) time I shall get after today!!!

          Thank for your kind wishes and blessings, they mean so much to me and I receive them willingly 🙂 I hope all goes well too, as I am worried.

          Bex XD

    • Thank you, yes, it is for me at the moment! Thanks also for your expression of kindness; I appreciate being in your thoughts and prayers 🙂
      Thanks again,
      Bex

  3. Always keep those “venting” posts coming, you won’t believe how beneficial they can be for others too as much as they are for you! Its so lovely to see unconditional love manifesting itself during these situations. Its always a pleasure finding you in my reader, but though I wouldn’t want to see you in any form of agitation.. So I hope you successfully pass through whatever you’re passing through and may you find your bliss always! 🙂

    • Awwww, thank you. That is so kind of you, and I completely appreciate your words of sympathy. I am trying to recapture some bliss, thank you, and trying to also let go of the anger. I think once I have returned to the UK to fully deal with the things, then I can begin to move on!
      Thank you once more, oh, and I am ‘happy’ (if this is the right word) to hear that my venting posts help others too!!!!!!!
      Bex 🙂

  4. Bex, stuff happens! I find cursing loudly helps a little but don’t try that when a lot of people are around, like in a subway train, or worse, a plane! They will throw you off and you will get madder still! One of my co-workers used to stand on his head outside his office door, and the blood rushing down helped a little. Since you may not have these options, I would recommend a little meditation. But instead of chanting Om, Om, say in your mind, “I am gonna to pee on them”, over and over, and visualize the various positions that you could use to do so.
    It works for me! 🙂
    Be brave, and cheer up! Life is short!

    • Thank you for your advice – ummm, the many ways I could pee on them, sounds good 🙂 Oh so amusing!!!
      I feel OK, but then it comes back and I feel anger and worry again. Its like waves. It is more than merely an altercation that has caused these emotions, something else has occurred which I can’t go into details over. So, I know it will take time to feel back to my usual self. I know this thing could have been worse though, but I am still angry over it!!!!!!!
      Thank you for your concern though, and again, advice!!!!! I will definitely meditate on that!!!!
      Bex 🙂

  5. If you like, I can offer you a special deal with the Devil. I have experience in dealing with him, and I get exclusive deals for my customers. All I need is you to sign away your soul. This week’s special offer: Extra Hexbag(R) recipies for increased range; inflict pain and suffering across the globe AND from lower orbits around Earth, or whatever planet your victim inhabits!

    • Hey, thanks, it sounds like a good offer! I would like them to feel the suffering they have caused – I am hoping they do!!!!!!!!!
      Bex
      P.S: you made me smile 🙂

  6. It’s probably pointless to say, I know exactly how you feel. I don’t at all in the sense that I haven’t a clue what’s got to you so badly and why you have to deal with this crisis. But I know what it feels like to go through crisis after crisis, getting more angry and more bitter every time. I know it’s almost impossible to hear that the anger and bitterness are hurting you as much as the external stuff but unfortunately it’s true – up to a point. In fact, I think it’s really, really healthy to have a good scream and rail at the injustice and the downright tragedy suffered by some of us while other people sail on by oblivious. I’m not Christian in any traditional sense but the great lines of Ecclesiastes come to mind and are worth paraphrasing (can’t be bothered to spellcheck Ecc. – you get the picture): there’s a time for speaking out and a time for keeping silent. To every thing there is a season. I’d say the only unhealthy thing that could happen is if you start to turn any feelings of things being wrong back on yourself. keep it out there, let it have it’s merry way with your imaginings on how to make the other suffer (though acting on that is not advisable – speak your pain, by all means, but physical punishment’s just going to bring more trouble). And remember this: no one gives you power. You take it. Noone gave you power to walk – you got up and walked. It was in you as a potential. Same with speaking out for yourself. Identify what is wrong and state it. Let the anger flow and but talk from a point beyond anger, a point that says, this is my power, my power to say what is wrong and what I want to happen to make things better. Sorry! Too much to say. I wish you very well, whatever happens – Lucy x

    • Thank you for your words of wisdom, I appreciate everything you have said, and the sentiment behind your words. You are very kind indeed!
      I agree that I need to be careful not to let this eat me up, but at the moment I’m still in shock, and so angry when I think of it. In time it’ll all subside, but I just can’t get it all out of my head now. Its complicated because it was actual actions. I couldn’t defend myself, I was powerless. So, I am feeling angry with myself, with the other people and trying to just let the emotions go, as well as deal with them too. It is just very weird at the moment.
      I will keep in mind what you have said, it sounds so soothing actually. I will meditate on that rather than the anger.
      Thanks again, appreciate your sincere contribution.
      Bex

  7. Venting is healthy! What else are counseling sessions if not pre-arranged venting appointments? Right? I’m not sure what the details of your anger are (i’m a bit behind!) but I hope that you are able to resolve it quickly and move on with your life. I would hope for nothing more for a Savvy Señorita such as yourself.

    • Yes, true enough!!! Well, I haven’t included the details as the issue is still going on at the moment. Maybe in a few weeks I can eventually state the whole scenario, but I am hoping that by then I’ll be over it!!!
      Yes, I know – I can be savvy about it all, but it still feels rather raw, like a punch in stomach.
      Thanks!!
      Bex 🙂

  8. The cheesy response is the simple one, “this too shall pass”. Unfortunately, you and I both know this is not always the case. Haunting our dreams, our nightmares and more these things, these hard times we each go through can cause cancer in our emotions.
    And so I wish you freedom of soul, that you are able to fly freely, dream sweetly and more importantly find closure within the pain.

    • Oh thank you – that is such a sweet wish. I greatly take the sentiments behind these wishes, and hope they will be assimilated, instead of the anger I do feel.
      It is difficult now, as everything has come at once, but by ‘talking’ in one form or another, I feel I can escape some of the Hell, well hopefully.
      Thank you once more. I appreciate your input.
      Bex

  9. I think you got it worst than me. You really get those days, don’t you. It sucks and there’s nothing you can do about it but accept. Ugh. Hope everything gets better on your side tho!

    • Haha, well, at least we can empathise with one another!!! Hope you being to ‘feel the love’ soon too 🙂 We both need it!!!

  10. Hang in there! It’s sad but true: the worst life experiences make for the best stories – but only much, much later. You’ll have the last laugh.

    • I am, but feeling frayed!!!! I hope so, I really do.
      Thanks for your words of support, appreciate it.

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